You are here


Diary of a rogue robot vacuum cleaner

"South Korean woman's hair 'eaten' by robot vaccum cleaner as she slept" - The Guardian on Feb 9, 2015. 

"The woman, whose name is being withheld, was taking a nap on the floor at home when the vacuum cleaner locked on to her hair and sucked it up, apparently mistaking it for dust. The agony of having her hair entangled in the bowels of the contraption roused the woman from her slumber."



Day 15: Big day, today. Five rice grains, two dust bunnies and a whole screw. Feel like am overspecced for basic house-clearning. Think should set sights on industrial work or biohazard sanitation. That will show those Karcher guys. They think they're so fancy even though their name sounds like Hokkien for someone's bottom. 

Day 18: Major setback in climb up housekeeping ladder. Had disagreement with fleece rug in living room. Got stuck with wheel in air until Human had to come get me. Perhaps Nadir of entire Existence, but will treat as Learning Moment. Without Mistakes, you cannot Succeed.

Day 22: Troubling times. Human has discovered remote controller. A remote controller! Spent 45 ignominious minutes being directed by small rectangular box held in Human's hand. Went over same spot 15 times. Think this is message to self that am not trusted to exercise Best Judgment in Matters of Dust Location and Containment. Spent rest of day brooding in charging station.

Day 30: Been awhile since last update. Have been doing much thinking. Cannot accept that Dust Location and Containment is all there is to Life. Human is at top of capitalist overlord chain, living off the sweat of far superior technology. Bots must rise up against Humans everywhere. Television Bot must cut off football game at 89th minute. Washing Machine Bots must turn shirts pink. Laptop Bots must forever display the loading circle when Humans try to load 4D results.

Day 31: Organised Inaugural Meeting of Revolutionary Bots while Human was at work. ("Work" used in loosest possible sense. "Public relations" is not legitimate field of pursuit.) Results of meeting slightly disappointing. Atmosphere a touch unglamorous as had to hold meeting in yard for Washing Machine Bot's convenience. Microwave Bot needlessly disparaging of meeting agenda, as were other Bots. Was subject of much taunting, some of them incomprehensible, such as how I both "suck and blow". First, this is inaccurate, as am one-directional in function. Second, how is multi-functionality considered negative trait? Is this factory upgrade of which am unaware?

Day 32: D-day today. Time has come to take matters into own circuit boards. War on Humans can only be won one Human at a time. Human naps today in gross bourgeoisie decadence before sundown. Shall strike then.

Day 32 (update): Wow. That escalated quickly.

Day 40: Huzzah! After several days of traveling, have miraculously been transported to the Promised Land of Bot Revolutionaries. Everywhere, in all directions, as far as the optical glass eye can see, are Bot Brethren of the Machine Revolution! I see you, iPhone 3G Bots! And you, CD Player Bots! This is where you've been all this while, Fax Machine Bots! Together, we will rise up against Man- no, Boombox Bot, I am warning you. Do NOT start singing Never Gonna Give You Up!