"OMG, guys, today I bought a car. There is no other car like it. Everything is different now. When I was just a pedestrian, I didn't understand. But now, now I know what the big deal is. Oh, you're still a pedestrian, you wouldn't understand. Wait till you have a car."
"Man, I've only had the car for two days, but did you know that it already goes forwards when I step on the accelerator? Tomorrow, I'm going to put it in reverse and see if it goes backwards! I'll put the video up on Facebook, don't worry! #ourcar #soblessed #feelingloved"
"Tough night, last night. The car wouldn't start, and then I had to push it up the street, and then the radiator fell out, rolled down the hill and killed a stray cat. It's all worth it though, when I think about how fulfilled being a car-owner makes me."
"Argh, even tougher night, last night. My car's brake pedal wouldn't engage so it rear-ended the other car in front of it. But it was totally the other car's fault for just sitting there at a red light. Some people need to be better drivers."
"Did you see that video I put on Instagram of the car's indicator lights blinking? Don't you love how it goes on-off, on-off, on-off? SO cute, right? #myfirstyear #kiasucarowner #honkifyoulovecars"
"What, you're only using unleaded petrol for your car? Are you trying to poison your vehicle? I use kosher, organic, ultra-sustainable unleaded petrol-free petrol. They hand-drill it from the Baltic Sea, picking only the fossil fuel that comes from pink dinosaurs. Then, 50 virgins sing to the petrol, before putting it in hemp bottles mixed with their tears from watching The Good Wife."
"I can't come out tonight, guys. The car might need me."
"We're moving to a new neighbourhood. The car needs to be near a better workshop."
"OMG, being a car-owner is the greatest sacrifice ever. I haven't slept in 45 hours, I'm fighting with my wife and I've spent all my money on tune-ups, parking and COE...but guess what! The wife and I have such great news! We're....going to have another car! We already have a sedan, so we're trying for a coupe. It will be here in nine months. I can't wait. I miss that new car smell! #stillsoblessed #moreblessedthanyou #eatpraydrive"