Breed the lovechild of Anthony Chen and Jack Neo
WHY bother with film grants and funding when the ultimate solution to boosting our local cinema industry is as simple as getting Jack Neo and Anthony Chen to breed a lovechild.
Harvesting the combined box-office prowess of the former and the awards-winning streak of the latter, Anthony Neo (or Jack Chen, if you prefer) will be raised to not only put Singapore cinema on the world map but also to become an undisputed box-office hero.
First up is the long-awaited mash-up dramedy sequel to Ilo Ilo and Ah Boys To Men - where the young kid in Chen's Ilo Ilo enlists for National Service and meets the boys from Neo's Ah Boys. When they spot his maid carrying his backpack for him during book-out, he becomes the butt of their jokes but everybody soon learns to put aside their differences as they bond over army training.
A lucrative franchise awaits with the reservist years turning the film into an annual affair - not unlike the frequency of In-Camp-Training in real-life.
The Breakout Courtroom Star
WHEN the City Harvest Church (CHC) scandal broke, not a day went by without the press running a picture of the most photogenic woman the Subordinate Courts ever hosted (not you, Sun Ho); even though she wasn't the centre of controversy.
And it wasn't just the photo editors who went gaga for the sultry looks of ex-CHC financial manager Serina Wee as bloggers discussed what she wore to the hearings online. The case isn't over and we can expect to see more of the fashionista in the coming months.
For somebody who made almost no effort to boost her own fame, Wee's following is enough to make the preacher's wife, whose multi-million-dollar music career and cheesy videos were lampooned by Internet trolls, jealous for having the spotlight stolen from her. All without spending a single cent. Aspiring pop starlets, please take note before ridiculing yourselves on national television.
Fergie for Singapore Lions
WITH the new national stadium due for completion in just a few months, there's little time left to bring back the Kallang Roar.
Thank goodness, every sports personality comes with a price tag and there is still time to get our football-mad nation on its feet by making an offer for the mother of all sports imports - Alex Ferguson.
Since hanging up his boots at Manchester United as manager just earlier this year, the rosy-cheeked Scot hasn't had much to do besides suffer the indignity of seeing his successor David Moyes turn the reigning champions into mousey mid-table mainstays.
Put the ex-Red Devils manager out of his suffering, offer him a stint with our Lions - Fergie's infamous hairdryer treatment might be what our footballers need in this humidity.
MCE (Marathon Course Expressway)
IT wasn't smooth sailing for the Marina Coastal Expressway (MCE) when it opened earlier this week. Drivers were stuck in a jam during peak hours - they were the lucky ones; a taxi commuter racked up a $70 fare (that's over 20 nasi-padang-and-bandung sets by Baey Yam Keng's estimate).
But all's not lost for the misleadingly named highway-without-a-coastal-view which netizens have renamed Most Confusing Expressway. At $4.3 billion, it's too good to waste should anybody dare suggest diverting traffic back to the Benjamin 'it-ain'tbroke-why-fix-it" Sheares Bridge.
MCE's boring stretch of concrete tunnel can then find new life as the Marathon Course Expressway. The speed cameras are already in place so timing glitches will be a thing of the past as any rogue runner will be instantly caught for trying to take short cuts - like the pastry chef who was initially declared as this year's fastest local marathoner, despite finishing the race while clocking the speed of a cheetah.
NOW that the authorities have successfully clamped down on false advertising on the Internet (there was never a recipe for Eggs Benedict on the so-called The Breakfast Network), perhaps the next step is to clamp down on the one thing that is flooding every social media site - selfies.
It's a phenomenon that's grown so big even our own local politicians such as Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong (newbie) and MP Baey Yam Keng (serial) are muscling in on to give James Franco a run for his money.
To make sure things don't get out of hand, it's time to set up a Do-Not-Selfie registry, where social media network users can choose to opt out of their friend's narcissism and instead concentrate on their own humble bragging ("New year's resolution: to stop drinking. Right after I finish this bottle of Dom Perignon. #expensivechampagne #lifeishard")
Keep Big Trouble out of Little India (and Little Girls out of Big Trains)
WITH Little India now unintentionally resembling a Prohibition-era theme park (another Uniquely Singapore first), shop owners are lamenting the drop in business because of the dry spell.
Who can blame them when even the fire hazard and war zone that was once Mustafa Centre now looks like North Korea after dark.
All this thanks to a couple of Grand Theft Auto fanatics who decided to recreate scenes from the videogame on Race Course Road by flipping ambulances and setting fire to police cars last month.
So far the alcohol ban seems effective in keeping the troublemakers away from Little India. There's a lesson for SMRT here as well: they might want to consider banning little girls from taking their trains to make sure the recent Downtown Line breakdown doesn't happen again.