The Millennials' Guide to Issuing a Profit Warning

This is the super epic, totes amazeballs, zomg win future that awaits us all.


The Board of Directors of, together with its subsidiaries, CashBurn, InstaRich and BullSh!t (collectively known as the "Group"), would like to provide a profit* warning** on the Group's financial results for the third quarter ended 30 September 2044.

Soooo, super-awks story...people aren't really feeling what is trying to do, which is to change lives and affect a whole new paradigm shift, which is totally going to revolutionise paradigms and shifting.

We think the market isn't, like, ready for what we're about, but whatevs, you know? Like, that's their issue #sorrynotsorry.

Anyway, heads-up you guys, but obvi, this quarter is going to totes suck (like when Facebook was down for 10 minutes last week? Like that, but worse). #ourbad #oops

Further details of the Group's financial performance will be disclosed when the announces its unaudited financial results for 3QFY2014 on or before 14 November 2044.

*We're not too hot on the use of "profit" as a yardstick. Because it is not a holistic enough view of corporations? If there is anything our progressive educations have taught us, it is that there are no winners or losers in life? When you're, like, totally self-actualised, profits are just numbers, right? So, we suggest using other more awesome measures of listed companies, including but not limited to: number of Nespresso machines on every floor, number of smileys used in client emails and our Life-Purpose Index score (copyright pending).

**We would like to point out that the use of "warning" as a description of a company's outlook on its future is totally not cool, because "warning" has a lot of negative energy and automatically categorises being profit-challenged as a "bad" thing. It's super self-limiting and it's really getting everyone at the firm down. I mean, we're taking 15 minutes longer than usual to get to our happy place during yoga class on Mondays. So, maybe the exchange can work on that? Namaste.

BT is now on Telegram!

For daily updates on weekdays and specially selected content for the weekend. Subscribe to