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Alt-scar picks

This year’s Best Picture nominees re-imagined from today’s (Trump-dominated) headlines.
Feb 24, 2017 5:50 AM

HACKSAW RIDGE

World War II is in focus as the controversial naming of an exhibition space reopens old wounds and the realisation that no Japanese restaurant – no matter how edgy (or authentic) – has ever imagined resurrecting the controversial wartime moniker. Never mind it took a week for the decision to be reversed; in this case, better late than never.

HELL OR HIGH WATER

In the very near future, the cost of water is set to rise by 30 per cent, and only the rich can afford to take daily baths. On the upside, people also start to drink more beer instead. Contains plenty of lowbrow sh*tty jokes about the source of Newater.

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MOONLIGHT

A gritty period drama about two tribes who lock horns after one seizes the other’s military vehicles. Both sides reconcile after a release is negotiated just in time for Chap Goh Meh, the holiday which celebrates the first full moon of the Lunar calendar.

LION

A crazy North Korean dictator uses an even crazier top secret modified version of Google Maps to track down his estranged half-brother but is accused of putting a hit on the latter when his email account is hacked and two female assassins – who think they are participants in the craziest reality game show ever – take the poor chap out. The plot is so incredulous you can’t help but LOL.

MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

Sequel to Lion with the mad North Korean dictator now having to live with his stepnephew while coming to grips with his late sibling’s past.

FENCES

An anti-social young boy dreams of keeping girls, adults and bad hombres out of his yard by building a fence around it. Raising funds for it is an uphill task for a five-year-old, until he hatches a plan to make everybody else pay for the construction.

HIDDEN FIGURES

President Donald Trump’s biopic adapted from fake news and alternative facts including the turnout at his inauguration and his victory margin.

ARRIVAL

Thousands are stranded at airports all over America after the President signs an Executive Order to block visitors from predominantly Islamic countries. Only one brave and adorable alien makes it through but (spoiler alert) ET eventually decides it might be better to go home after all.

LA LA LAND

Another (fully authorised, of course) biopic about President Donald Trump – this one with no Mexicans in the cast and an unconvincingly happy ending.

READ MORE: Few surprises likely at this year's Oscars

 

 

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