When a colleague is grieving: Navigating bereavement in the workplace

A FEW years ago, my boyfriend died. His sudden, bewildering death left me in shock and denial. For months, I reeled from the gut-wrenching loss, essentially on autopilot mode, and today there is little I remember from that time.

Of the few things that did stick in my mind, foremost were the kindness, compassion and generosity shown by friends, family, co-workers and strangers alike.

In particular, my boss at the firm where I was working then simply told me, without hesitation, to take as much time off as I needed. There was no probing for details, no questions as to whether this “loved one” – as I put it – was an immediate family member, no request to see a death certificate, and no deadline imposed on my bereavement.

When I went back to the office, my colleagues cracked jokes to take my mind off things, made it a point to join me for lunch or smoke breaks, and checked in on me periodically.

Still, I struggled to keep up at work. Forget about being a productive employee – I could barely muster the energy for basic tasks like brushing my teeth or eating at least one meal a day. I was constantly trying not to burst into tears in public.

One reason I could take it slow while getting through the fog of grief was the fact that I had a colleague who was more than willing and able to pick up the slack. The nature of my work helped, too; I could complete most tasks remotely and was not contending with tight deadlines.

My experience with managing grief might not have been common at many companies back then. But the hope today is that the post-pandemic workplace can harbour more compassion and prioritise mental well-being, after more than 2 years of isolation, stress and worry, on top of the millions of lives lost globally to Covid-19.

Liew Shi Min, senior psychologist in the Department of Psychology at the Singapore General Hospital, said that it is crucial for workplaces to be empathetic and compassionate towards grieving employees.

For one thing, “business as usual” is an unrealistic expectation to place upon grieving employees while they grapple with emotional pain and exhaustion after the funeral.

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“In consideration of the oscillating emotional capacity and appetite for challenges, some employees may show fluctuations in their drive and focus on their work tasks. Most importantly, these signs should not be appraised as a loss of ability or interest in their job,” Liew said.

After losing someone dear to them, many individuals experience grief-related struggles that affect cognitive performance and, indirectly, work performance, she said. Examples are the feeling of being overwhelmed, mental and physical fatigue, forgetfulness and missing out details, and difficulties with concentration or tasks that require long periods of sustained attention.

John Shepherd Lim, chief well-being officer of Singapore Counselling Centre (SCC), said the experience of grief is often shocking to most people. Going through and processing the complex and intense emotions can be physically, emotionally and mentally draining. “Some may experience sleep disturbances, which in turn affect their energy levels and ability to concentrate when returning to work,” he said.

Further, an individual might not feel ready to go back to the workplace if they lack the capacity to interact with colleagues, manage work responsibilities and keep up with deadlines while still coming to terms with the loss, he told The Business Times (BT).

Social entrepreneur Anthea Ong, who is also founding chairperson of WorkWell Leaders – a non-profit collective of chief executive officers (CEOs) and leaders championing workplace mental health and well-being – said that grief takes a toll on the body, which leads to physical ailments that potentially result in absenteeism.

Grief is also not easily disguised. She said a bereaved person may be indecisive, short-tempered or display a range of emotions including anger and intense sadness, even if they do not express their feelings verbally. “These emotional states may lead to impaired performance and reduced productivity, which may in turn heighten anxiety.”

Time off to mourn

Everyone processes grief in different ways and navigates the complex grief process along different timelines.

Some might see work as a distractor or a tool in helping them move on from the loss, so their job performance may not be visibly affected, Lim noted.

In the same vein, SGH’s Liew said those who dive back into work may find that it provides some sense of control in their life.

An individual’s grief response also differs based on the nature of the death and how close the person was to the deceased. Unexpected deaths, violent deaths and suicides are typically more traumatising, she said.

“Moreover, the passing of an immediate family member or someone with whom they had emotional intimacy, such as a romantic partner or a best friend, would likely lead to a greater sense of loss,” Liew added.

Anecdotally, experts estimate that most companies in Singapore give 2 to 5 days of paid compassionate leave, depending on whether the deceased was a child, spouse, parent or extended family member. Bereavement leave is not mandated by law in the country.

The first few days of bereavement leave is often spent dealing with wake proceedings, the funeral and other practical matters. “For most, the grief process kicks in only after the wake or funeral has been settled,” said Lim.

The Singapore Human Resources Institute (SHRI) representative Adrian Tan stressed that bereavement “does not have a hard stop”. For instance, just because the human resources (HR) policy gives 7 days of compassionate leave, it does not mean the employee can definitely work as per normal on Day 8.

In his view, people managers should provide a listening ear and workplace support as much as possible to accommodate the needs of both employer and employee.

“How this support is provided will be up to the company, but it will require a lot of empathy from the manager to make it work,” he said.

According to grief experts, 20 days is a typical bereavement period for immediate family members.

Facebook in 2017 doubled its bereavement leave allowance to 20 days off with pay, for staff mourning the death of an immediate family member. The same year, Mastercard extended its bereavement policy; it now offers up to 20 days of paid leave for those who have lost a spouse, domestic partner, parent or child, 10 days for close family, and 5 days for other extended family.

That said, Ong cautioned against assessing the depth of the grief an employee is suffering based solely on the deceased’s position in the family tree, as the relationships are deeply personal and can extend beyond immediate family.

She expressed hope that at least 2 to 5 days of compassionate leave can be mandated in Singapore.

Lim acknowledged that while allotting 20 days for bereavement may be “very costly”, it will be helpful for leaders to keep in mind that employees may not function at full capacity during this period, and as much space and grace should be given even if they are back at work.

A helping hand, a listening ear

Besides providing paid leave, companies and individuals can support bereaved colleagues in other ways.

Offering grief counselling with a trained professional through an employee assistance programme (EAP) is a direct and beneficial form of support. Companies can sign up for EAPs offered by external service providers as part of their staff welfare benefits.

Another way is to offer financial assistance, if the company has the grants or funds to assist employees who need emergency financial support, Ong suggested.

Flexibility can be helpful, too. SCC’s Lim suggests allowing remote work arrangements or personal time off when necessary.

He also proposes communicating expectations clearly, adjusting the workload and schedule based on the employee’s comfort level, and reassuring them that they will not be penalised for any reduced pace of work that they may need.

Ong said that it is important to let the bereaved employee decide how they want to share the news within the company, and that it is “basic human and professional decency” to refrain from contacting the employee during the funeral period.

In her view, sending flowers and a card should be a minimum. And the way managers and co-workers react when the individual returns to work will make a big difference.

She suggested that managers galvanise the rest of the team to step in with temporary support in terms of workload for the grieving employee, as well as to provide appropriate emotional support.

Likewise, Lim said: “Showing grace and giving space to grieving colleagues helps them feel supported, and this aids in their healing process.”

Stumbling blocks

Unfortunately, limited resources and manpower, especially at small and medium-size enterprises (SMEs), often impede efforts to help bereaved workers.

Initiatives such as engaging counsellors remain mostly unique to larger companies, because such moves can be pricey.

“In a small company, sometimes the only option for the employee is to talk to the manager. But that’s provided managers are able to help and have time on their hands,” SHRI’s Tan says.

He also said that many people managers and HR professionals are in fact not well-equipped to deal with such situations, despite it being a necessity. “If they have never been in your shoes before, they may not personally understand what you’re going through. And professionally, they might not have received training to provide this form of expertise.”

It will probably make sense for a large company with a headcount of, say, 10,000, to send their managers and HR professionals for such training, if even 0.1 per cent of their workforce – that is, 10 individuals – are going through grief and loss at any one time, Tan said.

In contrast, an SME with 50 employees might not see the need for or prioritise training if they assume, often mistakenly, that such a situation is not going to happen.

But Tan said that, as with all forms of employee benefits, bereavement leave can be considered in terms of how the company wants to position itself in the job market and industry in the area of attracting and retaining talent.

Without a massive war chest, SMEs will probably find it much easier to offer non-monetary benefits such as bereavement leave or sabbatical leave, he added.

Similarly, Ong from WorkWell Leaders said giving workers time to grieve has long-term benefits in retention and loyalty.

“Often, employers reward staff on their birthdays or work anniversaries. But how we address the death of beloved individuals is so much more important because employees will remember how we take care of them during such a personal and crucial experience.

“Taking care of our people when they are at their most vulnerable says much about our compassion and commitment as leaders.”

She urges leaders and employers to include support for bereaved employees as part of their overall mental well-being strategy, which ought to be a strategic priority, not merely a HR policy.

Kind words

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to managing grief, there are usually little ways to help make it easier for a colleague mourning the loss of a loved one.

Remember too that grief tends to come in waves, led by internal or external reminders of the loss, such as on anniversaries, birthdays and during the holidays.

Liew Shi Min, senior psychologist at Singapore General Hospital, said that if an individual experiences persistent deep longing for the deceased or becomes fixated with thoughts of them, they should seek further assessment and help for possible prolonged grief disorder by a mental-health professional. For adults, this can be diagnosed a year after the death of a loved one.

WorkWell Leaders founding chairperson Anthea Ong notes the importance of showing empathy without pity, and acknowledging that grief does not just go away.

Here are examples of what to say to a grieving coworker:

• “How are you today?” - Ask this only if you have the capacity and time to hold space for the individual. - Avoid asking this question every day, as it could make the person feel pressured to constantly talk about the loss.
• “I want to respect your privacy, and it’s okay for you to decline. But if you ever need a listening ear about your loss, I will be here.” - Specify the time of availability to demonstrate your commitment.
• “I can quietly sit or walk with you if you don’t want to talk about it, or are not ready to share more.”
• “I understand this is a difficult time, and work may not and cannot be your priority right now.”
• “What would you need from the department to support you during this difficult period?”
• “Is there anything practical I can do for you at work?”
• “You can reach out to me anytime if you want to explore and discuss any readjustment or assistance.”
• “Going through grief and loss is never easy, and I appreciate you still wanting to make a contribution to the team.”

Ditch the platitudes. Acknowledge that the person is entitled to feel pain and sorrow, in the context of what they have experienced.

Statements that encourage people to stay positive or hopeful often invalidate the deep sadness they feel, said John Shepherd Lim, chief well-being officer of Singapore Counselling Centre. He also advises against telling the bereaved person how they should be feeling or behaving.

Here are examples of statements that are unlikely to be helpful:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Look on the bright side, and don’t think too much.”
• “You are going to be fine. Time will heal you.”
• “This will pass.”
• “You just need to keep busy.”
• “Don’t be too sad.”
• “Move on. [Insert name] would not want you to feel sad.”
• “Your loved one is in a better place now.” - This could make some individuals feel selfish for wishing the deceased person were still alive and here with them.
• “I hope you have had enough time to deal with your loss.”
• “You’re handling this better than I expected.”
• “Death is inevitable. This all happens eventually.”