Actually, let's not be in the moment

I'M at the kitchen sink, after a long day of work and kids and chores and the emotional exhaustion of a toxic election season, attempting to mindfully focus on congealed SpaghettiOs. My brain flits to the Netflix queue. I manhandle my thoughts back to the leaky orange glob in front of me. My brain flits to the president-elect.

I'm making a failed attempt at "mindful dishwashing", the subject of a how-to article an acquaintance recently shared on Facebook. According to the practice's thought leaders, in order to maximise our happiness, we should refuse to succumb to domestic autopilot and instead be fully "in" the present moment, engaging completely with every clump of oatmeal and decomposing particle of scrambled egg. Mindfulness is supposed to be a defence against the pressures of modern life, but it's starting to feel suspiciously like it's actually adding to them. It's a special circle of self-improvement hell, striving not just for a Pinterest-worthy home, but a Pinterest-worthy mind.

Perhaps the single philosophical consensus of our time is that the key to contentment lies in living fully mentally in the present. The idea that we should be constantly policing our thoughts away from the past, the future, the imagination or the abstract and back to whatever is happening right now has gained traction with spiritual leaders and investment bankers, armchair philosophers and government bureaucrats, and human resources departments.