So you want to be sexist about Wonder Woman?

"No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main . . . any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." - John Donne

(Warning: Spoilers ahead.)

HE was, of course, not pleased. Incensed. The Man had drawn the rare short straw to watch this sad excuse of art on behalf of the Brotherhood (formerly known as the Alpha Male, and now Bro, for short).

The Bros, as part of Yes Man's Land media monitoring of a deadly strain of radicalism - known by their enemies as feminism - take turns to evaluate the threat from the other 50 per cent.

Among the inhabitants of Yes Man's Land, there is the assumption that they are born of the superior gender.

And they have had to suffer the gall of dangerous female protagonists including - through the ages, and varying versions of steely eyes - Buffy the Vampire Slayer, GI Jane, Sarah Connor, Ellen Ripley, and the Bionic Woman.

(The Bionic Woman has even inspired parents to name their kids after Jaime Sommers. **)

This week, The Man's superior eyes burned as he watched the latest attempt by women to subjugate the Bros. He grimaced as he watched women trained by women on a pristine island - with the belief that they are better without men - while they battle as if some were real athletes.

One character snarled with such uncouth gracelessness: "You expect a battle to be fair?" Radicals, re-opening the hushed-up idea that life is unfair for the other sex.

And her powers, so un-rea-lis-tic, he exclaimed, squeezing his large Superman*** plushie for comfort, as he was stunned - for the briefest moment, mind - by the action scenes. (He doesn't like Batman. What a pansy, crying like a girl after his parents died in the dark alleyway.)

Look at her, smashing ceilings as the men are obliged to stay behind while she cleared the way for them. Atrocious, he tsk-ed in his high-ceiling room, the air thick with privilege.

The only things she should clear are the dishes off the kitchen table - a true mark of the domestic goddess. Her weapons should, as sponsors of a film screening so aptly decided, include a dish sponge, diet pills and a pink squeegee, The Man observed.

Where is that pivotal scene when she becomes a mother and loses interest in all but her baby's bottom - all women's true calling? If they are just procreation vessels, what is this trivial talk in the film about pleasure, he grunted in a manly fashion.

The Man spilled his tea - strong brew, mind - amid his indignation, and stared at the pool of liquid as he had done since young, hoping for it to disappear.

It never does, he muttered, as he rang for his maid.

All good women have a strong desire to be told exactly what to do, and their place, he said, and then repeated it with a ferocious bellow as no one appeared to be listening.

Following the Themyscira Convention against manspreading, men all around the world are now bound by law to keep their once-treasured entitlements of crotch display in check. Must they now take away our Bro entertainment, The Man asked, scratching his deep inner thigh responsively.

For example, would it kill them to suggest some bondage using that lasso - it seems rather useless if all it does is incite truth. And why do her thighs jiggle with every jump? The legs support the actual weight of a woman who weighs more than a feather? What a vulgar concept.

He soon realised to his horror that the film had gone avant-garde. Where is the camera work on her chest? Just where are the long lingering shots of her - Bro jokes for the win - bosom buddies? Her uninspiring idea of fashion was a long grey coat with nerdy spectacles; her Wonder Woman outfit - a gift to men who biologically cannot help themselves but leer - was more workout gear than sex get-up. She might as well have worn her physical education uniform.

The Man was pale with rage over the loss of the male gaze. His inner thigh itched with righteous fury.

Wonder Woman can speak languages such as Greek, Russian and Mandarin. She reads. She has an opinion about how the world should be run. The film is the worst of the lot, then, The Man concluded. It's a thinking feminist movie - oh, the nerve.

Watching such ballsy on-screen defiance (heaven help us, the women have even misappropriated our attitude), The Man was inexplicably chafed by a feeling punishable by the island's tribunal named Patriarchy.

On Yes Man's Land, fear is its feet of clay. The Man, deep down, knew Wonder Woman - born from a different kind of clay - could crush him, but he would not say so. He clutched his Superman plushie ever so tightly.

*Yes Man's Land is a satirical island.

**This reporter is, in fact, named after the Bionic Woman.

***For avoidance of doubt and retaliation from comic-book fans, this reporter is categorically a fan of both Superman and Batman.