Singapore men’s groups want to help men redefine masculinity

IN THE early morning light, eight men went on a journey through a dense patch of wilderness in Seletar. There was no clear path, so they had to trudge through a tangled mass of tall grass, fallen tree trunks and ankle-deep mud. They were part of The Brothers Circle, a men’s support group that helps men unlearn harmful patterns of masculinity and become comfortable with platonic emotional intimacy.

Founded by Hafeez Hassan, the support group uses group activity, meditative movement and personal reflection to foster growth and transformation among men. The sessions involve activities such as nature hiking and strength training, followed by discussions on masculinity. Here, men are free to express their feelings in a supportive environment, free of judgment.  When one of them talks about his fraught relationship with his father, others might share their own experiences. No one tries to “diagnose” the problem or suggest solutions. “We’re not here to counsel any one – we’re just here to create a safe environment for sharing,” says Hafeez. “The point of The Brothers Circle is to make every man feel less alone in their problems.”

Among the group, one was a financial consultant with clear goals of success. One was a university student mourning the death of a relative. One ran his own digital animation studio and worked remotely. Their ages range from the 20s to the 50s. Though they seemed to have little in common, they welcomed the opportunity to share something honest about themselves.

An engineer by training, Hafeez started the group in 2020 because he realised he had his own “issues to work through, from anger management to my relationship with my dad”. “I realised that what I really needed was a group of men with whom I could talk to, share experiences with, and look for mutual support.”

According to the stereotype, women are happy to share their problems with friends and relatives, whereas men struggle with emotional issues alone. Surveys in other countries find that men have far fewer friends to confide in than women. A 2023 survey in the US found that 20 per cent of single men have no close friends. In the UK, about a quarter of English men have no close friends. Suicide rates among Singapore men are typically double that of women.

But the governmental push towards greater mental health awareness is helping more men overcome the stigma of prioritising their emotional well-being.  Recently, non-profit organisation Club Heal ran its own mental health programme for men called Are You Ok, Bro? organised by Lepak Conversations. Though it was more traditional in format – a series of talks followed by short in-situ exercises – its goals were no less ambitious: to help men redefine their notions of masculinity.

Wayne Davies, a life coach and fellow facilitator of The Brothers Circle, says: “Men are generally less likely to seek help for mental health issues due to their fear of appearing weak. This reluctance can lead to under-diagnosis and under-treatment of conditions such as depression and anxiety.”

He added: “The Brothers Circle hopes to counter that by creating a sense of brotherhood and belonging. It offers mutual support that is crucial for mental well-being. It challenges traditional notions of masculinity in order to promote a healthier and more inclusive understanding of what it means to be a man. And it also provides opportunities for men to network and share professional resources.”

While in theory, such support groups can only be beneficial for men, the reality of running them is much more challenging. Hafeez himself admits: “These support groups are actually hard to sustain because men hate to sit around to talk about their feelings – so we always have to include physical activities and food in the programme, in order to entice them to come.”

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While there are support groups for specific purposes, such as single fathers or recovering alcoholics, general support groups for men simply looking to talk about themselves in safe spaces are very rare. Over the years, there have been efforts to create such groups, such as Men’s Group Singapore and Singapore Male Allyship Network. But a few have become inactive precisely because of insufficient support from the men themselves.

Hafeez said that he and Davies are not trying to profit financially for their efforts. Though participants pay S$75 to join the recent four-hour session, the money was mostly used to cover the cost of the (very satisfying) meal of tomahawk steak, vegan burgers, spicy wings, butter roasted potatoes and salad. The venue was Davies’ own black-and-white Seletar bungalow, which had a lawn for group activities. The cooking duties were shared between Hafeez’s sister Schira Hassan who runs her own vegan kitchen Suri, as well as Davies and his domestic helper.

During the sharing discussions after the meal, a gamut of topics were covered, from National Service experiences to work frustrations. However, the issue that came up repeatedly were the men’s fraught relationships with their fathers. On the surface, all the participants appeared confident, articulate and successful in their own fields. But several say they carry deep emotional scars with regard to their fathers. 

One said he was beaten senseless by his family. Another couldn’t reconcile his feelings for his father who was once violent but is now bedridden and helpless. Another felt his father didn’t actually love his children, that he “only really loved our mother”. The session ended with seven men standing in a circle and doing breathing exercises to ease some of their emotional pain.

Financial consultant Lee Jun Rong was one of the participants. He said: “There are not many spaces for men to open up about themselves, connect deeply with other men, and re-examine societal notions of masculinity... I feel somewhat more awakened now.”

The day after The Brothers Circle meeting, Lee went jogging in a park near his home. For some reason, he kept stopping to admire different plants, flowers and even the barks of trees.

The Brothers Circle is contactable on thebrotherscirclesg@gmail.com