Wretched crime caper missing more than just a dog

ONCE upon a time in Hollywood, circa 1990s, Bruce Willis was a major star for his Detective John McClane role in the Die Hard blockbuster series, and also for the sci-fi hits 12 Monkeys and The Fifth Element.

Once Upon a Time in Venice is where he can be found nowadays, in this depressingly wretched neo-noir comedy crime caper - the directorial debut of the Mark and Rob Cullen co-writer brothers credited with Willis' 2010 pic Cop Out, based on their screenplay - where armed assailants burst in on Willis mid-coitus, and Willis escapes by leaping off his bedroom balcony and skateboarding naked along the freeway, into a crowded neighbourhood bar, over the bar counter, then back onto the streets. He is eventually stopped by traffic cops, gun concealed between butt crack.

In another scene equally humiliating he is held hostage and cross-dressed wearing flouncy gown, auburn wig and garish lipstick.