Welcome to emoji school
OK boomers! Your questions answered
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HELLO and welcome to our emoji-training webinar. This session is aimed primarily at older workers who still do not have a clear grasp of what emojis to use and when, but it is open to people of all ages.
I can see that most of you have done your preparatory assignment on what exactly the monocle emoji means. We’ll discuss that later in the session, and also do some emoji tests. First, though, let’s just dive in and open it up to questions.
Q: I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to use the heart emoji at work. Am I implying that I am in love with the person?
Great question. It depends on whether you are using a reaction emoji (that’s the small one that attaches to a specific message), which is clearly a response to what has just been said. If you send a heart emoji as a reply on its own, you are basically proposing.
Q: I told my boss that I would not be at work (for) one week because I was suffering from amoebic dysentery. I then got a notification that she liked my message. I’ve lost half my body weight and she’s apparently taking pleasure in my misfortune.
If you do a thumbs-up reaction emoji on some platforms, it tells the other person that you “liked” their message. Your boss should have written back, but she was probably acknowledging your message rather than rejoicing in it. Some Gen Zs regard thumbs-up emojis as a bit frosty, by the way. This is why.
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Q: When someone makes a weak joke on a group channel, I feel under tremendous pressure to put that silly face with tears rolling down its cheeks. I haven’t laughed out loud since 1997, so this feels completely insincere. Is there a thin-smile emoji that I could use instead?
There is, but it would not be wise. The tears-of-joy emoji is the equivalent of that small snorting sound people make in real life when they want to acknowledge a failed attempt at humour. If you ever do find something genuinely funny, use the tears emoji tilted to the side. This implies actual amusement.
Q: I frequently make weak jokes, and everyone responds with those faces with tears running down their cheeks. I think they might be mocking me. How can I tell?
Are any of them tilted?
Q: The emojis are too small for me to see properly. And when I do zoom in on them, I still don’t know what they mean.
I hope that this session will help! But also, try not to worry. A sense of perpetual confusion is part and parcel of working in any office environment. This is just a variation on that feeling.
Q: I work at an aubergine farm –
You’ll see that I’ve muted this person. Someone makes a variation on this joke at every session I run (in America, they use the word “eggplant”).
Q: I have just gone back over a WhatsApp thread and realised that instead of sending a crossed-fingers emoji, I sent the middle-finger one. The person involved has not replied, which is unlike him. What should I do?
Send a fulsome apology, explain what happened and add at least 25 tears-of-joy emojis at the end. Don’t tilt them.
Q: I still find the whole emoji thing totally infantilising. I’m supposed to let off a virtual party popper when we make a sale. Why? I’m not three.
It’s part of joining in. People used to celebrate things by getting drunk at lunchtime. Emojis are cheaper, faster and healthier.
Q: I sometimes put nothing but a thumbs-up in a message on Slack and am taken aback by how big it looks.
I’m not sure what your question is.
Q: Is there an emoji I can use that is studiously neutral?
Yes! The thinking emoji is the graphical equivalent of saying “let’s take this offline”. It shows you have read the message, makes you look thoughtful and commits you to absolutely nothing.
Q: Sometimes I am on a video call and lots of little thumbs-up gestures will suddenly rise from the bottom of my screen to the top, like bubbles in an aquarium. I get totally distracted by it, and if I am speaking, often forget what I am saying. Can I stop the little hands? (By the way you muted me earlier, for reasons I don’t understand. I’m the person who works in aubergines.)
Sorry about that: a genuine mistake and the first time I have encountered that situation. I’m afraid you cannot control the little hands. Try and think of them as the digital equivalent of people nodding; that might help.
Q: A few of my colleagues put a palm tree by their names on Slack. I know it means that they care about the climate. I’d like to show my commitment to the planet, too, but cannot find the emoji. Can you help?
Where’s that thinking emoji?
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