🍊 Dealing with difficult CNY conversations

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“Still no boyfriend/girlfriend ah?”

Prying questions like these that probe about salaries, jobs, marriage, having kids and even weight gain from relatives we barely know can trigger a hive of insecurities.

With 2023 being the first year since Covid-19 without restrictions on CNY gathering sizes, more relatives = more questions 🤯

For 24-year-old lawyer Ee Ning, she believes that there’s always underlying tension when it comes to such occasions. “To me, people use CNY as an opportunity to have personal opinions about your life when they really haven’t seen you in years,” she observes.

Granted that many of these questions come with good intentions, they are often served with an unhealthy side of judgement. Who wants to be constantly reminded that you’re not good enough?

Regardless, the show must go on. With the countless visits ahead, one thing should get you by this season: respect – for both others and yourself.

Save that clapback

You’re dying to use that amazing clapback to shut that auntie up for good, I know – and in the heat of the moment it might truly be very tempting to burn bridges. But is it worth it to sour family relations in the long run?

That doesn’t mean you should let others run their mouths though, no matter how senior they are.

Kenji, 24, a medical student at NUS, shares that from his experience, it is best to assert some personal boundaries when in conversation with nosy relatives. “It’s fine to ask [sensitive questions] once, but after I give my response, I would drop the uncomfortable topic and move on.”

According to Esther Oon-Bybjerg, psychotherapist at Counseling Perspective, keeping responses short and general to difficult questions is a good go-to. “It may be instinctive sometimes to elaborate or explain your answer, but remember you’re not obligated to explain,” she says.

Take it as a chance to practise being respectful yet firm, without being overly guarded or defensive. This is an important life skill that goes beyond CNY.

Another approach is to use humour as a deflection tactic so as to keep the situation light. (“Aiyo so old already, still single?” “Eh uncle, got long queue you don’t know only!”)

But if in doubt about how to respond, you can always try redirecting them with questions instead to parry the attention away from yourself. For example, if they asked about your finances, you could ask how their investments are doing (hopefully minus the snarky tone!).

For any remarks that become overly persistent or hurtful, remember that such behaviour is only a reflection of their insecurities. Easier said than done, but don’t take it personally or feel bad over people you rarely see!

Looking deeper

That being said, these tactics are often a “quick-fix” to get by this yearly affair, as the questions that arise year after year never quite go away. And it’s not just CNY – difficult questions can come from anywhere, including school and the workplace.

Oon-Bybjerg notes how a more effective solution might be to look within yourself and consider why such personal questions make you anxious and avoidant.

For instance, could it be that we are the ones perceiving the questions as a threat when the asker’s intention was innocuous?

As writer Anaïs Nin puts it: “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.” 

When faced with a difficult question, it is worthwhile to take a pause and reflect if there’s any perception bias before responding.

For the long-term, it might very well be worth diving deeper into your sensitivity to these questions.  Being curious about the origins of these negative beliefs about yourself could shed light on deeper issues that unsettle you.

Personal development is often a lifelong journey, but it’s definitely a step worth taking. Once we are more assured of our identity, or who we are, it is harder for the hot takes of other people to get to us, be it during CNY or otherwise.  TLDR: 

• CNY isn’t everyone’s thing…
• ...but know that the season is yours to interpret.
• Learn how to manage those pesky relatives (yes, boundaries matter!)
• Breathe, and let things pass.