Love at work

VALENTINE'S Day reminds us that love pervades our lives - including our time at work. You do not have to be sleeping with someone to love them. You do not even have to have affections normally associated with sexual love when you are trying to make a business profitable or attempting to initiate a new source of revenue.

Indeed, mixing business and sex can be dangerous, although many Mom & Pop shops run perfectly happily and, given some simple rules, married couples often build successful enterprises, usually to the astonishment of their friends.

Love, sex and work are tricky subjects, especially when they collide. But let's face the truth. People working together develop deep friendships. They have emotions and they fall in love. Their interests merge and their affections cling together.

It is hardly surprising. They are working with people with interests similar to their own, with others whose disciplines need to be the same and with whom they spend much time together. It's not unusual that some of them fall for each other.

What should they do about it? If they are single and in separate departments there is no problem. If they work for a business that forbids married people working together they need to change the rules - mostly they are unnecessary; soon they will be illegal except in special cases.

A glimpse of Hades

If they are married, the normal rules of marital fidelity apply. Any married person tempted to have an affair with a business colleague should stop short of risking the relationships with both their spouse and their employer.

You don't need lectures from me on marriage, the risks involved in having an affair or the complications of having inordinate affection for those who work with you. It is almost impossible to make an honest appraisal of someone you are loving physically. You shouldn't put yourself in the position of having to do so.

To avoid the risks of such a relationship you should be aware of the danger signals. Too much attention, too close a relationship, separating a work affection from your marriage - all threaten divorce with its string of unhappy consequences.

Even the most friendly divorces are often a glimpse of Hades, if not at the time then later in life. The process of divorce is itself hell - and can seem to remain so in perpetuity. Avoiding this particular source of pressure is clearly sensible if not always easy.

A strong spur to achieving it is the recognition that you are not merely a manager of people, you are their mentor and coach. As such, their greatest lessons from you will be based on your example. And this applies to all your dealings with employees, with customers and with suppliers. Example is still the most powerful teacher we have. We are all capable of both good and bad example - especially in matters of love.

Love your colleagues

Platonic love at work is important. People make the greatest effort for those they love, so how are we to show and demonstrate love for those we work with, without it becoming confused and disturbed by feelings of sexual love?

Head of the list of what we must do is Respect. We must respect existing relationships above everything. To disturb someone else's relationship is extremely wicked. Relationships grow and change but marriages, especially where there are children, should be forever.

In a world of dynamic change it is easy to think that such devolution applies to everything. This widely held, unfortunate view is the cause of much unhappiness. Respect may seem an outdated concept. In fact it is even more relevant in a fluctuating world than in a stable one. As Edward Luce said: "When trust goes, respect is seldom far behind".

If you have to deal with a dangerous relationship at work, you need to show empathy and understanding, compassion and resolve. Whoever has come to you for help wants to know that you are 2 contradictory things at the same time - (i) on their side and (ii) totally impartial. By definition, communicating this is not easy but it is what parents do all the time.

What would you have done?

A young woman employee came to me about an affair she was having with her boss, a slightly older, single man. He was a decent fellow, had been a sprinter in the Olympics until an ankle injury stopped him running. I guessed that he had had a few girlfriends in his time because he was good looking and cheerful. She was married and her husband was a successful and rich broker on the London Stock Exchange. He was steady but boring, from her description. They had one child aged 5. I suspected that the marriage had followed the conception of her child.

Within minutes of starting to talk to me she was in floods of tears, obviously torn between duty to husband and child and what she saw as freedom. She asked for my advice.

Of course, I didn't give it to her. Instead, I asked her questions. Questions about her beliefs, which were religiously strong. Questions about her husband's behaviour, which was exemplary but dull. Questions about her interests, which centred on security for her child and herself.

My questions went on for over an hour. The tears slowly dried up. She eventually came to her own conclusion that she should stay with her husband and son. We rather lost touch some time later but we exchanged Christmas cards each year. I saw her only once again - 15 years after our conversation about her affair. She was having coffee in the Savoy Hotel, very smartly dressed. I met her husband. They were going to Ascot that afternoon.

She seemed content and peaceful.

Love - The more you give, the more you get

How do I show my love for those who work with me - and that includes clients and suppliers? I care for them. Not a superficial birthday card care, nice as that can be for the receiver, but a deep, thoughtful care of concern. Concern for their happiness as well as for the happiness of those around them.

Over the years I have learnt that this involves helping them to care for others. When I do that I find the client caring for me, too. It is not a sentimental or emotional care but a care of determination, a care of generosity.

I find that such care repays itself because the people I care for also care for me. Since I benefit from it as well, I call it Reciprocal Care. It follows the concept of the Three Rs: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for our own actions.

The lesson is lifelong, contrarian and bewildering but it seems to be true. The more you give, the more you get. To care for others more than you care for yourself is not a transactional rule. It does not depend for its authenticity on the ROI you associate with investments.

It is a lore of love and not many people seem to understand how it works. It is based on the fact that the act of giving is itself an act of receiving. For each one of us is building a person.

Just as old houses used to be built, brick by brick, each giving in a relationship is another brick. When you have enough bricks in place, you have a wall. It is your wall but it is built of what you gave, not of what you got.

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it better than anyone else. "To laugh often and love much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded."

You will succeed, too.

• The writer is founder and chair at Terrific Mentors International