Men and women are equal in the workplace, until they aren't

FOR most of my 20s, my gender rarely mattered in the workplace. I received raises and promotions that kept pace with my performance, alongside my male peers. Yes, there were the odd comments that cleaved to gender stereotypes; but I swatted those away like flies.

With childbirth, my complacency was shaken. For the first time, my gender verged on a liability. It wasn't my employers' fault: they were supportive, and accommodating. It was my life - my body, my responsibilities, and the expectations placed on me - that was now profoundly different.

Pregnancy, firstly, served me a biological reality check. There were fatigue, aches and pains, episodes of bleeding, and unfamiliar physical changes. I developed conditions I never dreamt could be associated with pregnancy: like de Quervain's tenosynovitis, a painful wrist condition which made it difficult to type.

Post-birth, my spouse and I used our full allotment of government-paid parental leave. In my case that amounted to 16 weeks away from work, while in his case at the time, it amounted to only 1.

When I returned, I quickly caught up on what I'd missed. But even then, the breast pump was my ball and chain. Struggling with low milk supply, it took up to 45 minutes to produce a paltry amount of sustenance each time. I had to repeat this every few hours, which meant shorter or no lunch breaks, and mad dashes between meetings.

Thankfully, things stabilised once I retired the pump. For this, I must give credit to a spouse who more than pulls his weight. We share all parenting duties, but he does more heavy-lifting on the home front; just as we both work, but I am mainly responsible for our family's financial stability.

Had traditional gender norms applied to us, the 'motherhood penalty' to my career would have been larger - the sum of a thousand cuts.

Mind the gender gap

Too little is done to prepare young women for the impact of childbearing on their careers.

We focus on post-facto solutions, for today's mothers: by increasing child-rearing support, flexible work, and opportunities for women to re-enter the workforce. But the runway leading up to parenthood is something that we largely leave to individuals to figure out.

As a result, entering motherhood can feel like walking off a cliff that everyone else knew was there, but nobody bothered to warn you about.

Young women underestimate how much their lives will change. Many have also not had serious conversations with their partners on how to allocate caregiving and financial responsibilities between them, post-birth.

Looking back, I would have given my younger self the following advice.

First, be clear on the trade-offs. More time spent on work means less time with family, and that can be a painful cost. But stepping back from work also has lifelong implications on your financial health and independence.

The numbers make this concrete. In the post-graduation years, from ages 25 to 29, Singapore's men and women are equally active in the workforce. They also draw the same median pay, according to the Ministry of Manpower's Labour Force in Singapore 2021 report.

One's 30s are a critical stretch for both genders, as the prime earning years for both genders are ages 40 to 44. Yet from age 30, women's employment outcomes - by workforce participation rates, and by income earned - begin to fall behind men's, and never catch up again.

Marriage is a key differentiator: across all age groups, married women participate less in the workforce than single ones. Only about 65 per cent of all married women participate, compared to nearly 83 per cent of married men.

Importantly, those who continue working tend to be paid less. Women's median income for full-time work drops below that of men from age 30, and that gap is never closed. At the peak earning ages of 40 to 44 years, the pay gap is nearly 15 per cent.

A study by the Ministry of Manpower and NUS Associate Professor Jessica Pan also revealed the 2018 adjusted gender pay gap - meaning, the residual gap after accounting for differences in age, qualifications, occupation, industry and weekly hours - to be 6 per cent.

This means the gender gap is more insidious than you might think. If you drop out of the workforce and re-enter later, your resume gap will count against you. Even if you continue working full-time, and in the same profession, the invisible load of domestic work is likely to penalise your career more than it penalises your male peers who are also parents.

Therefore, weigh your choices carefully, and with a long-term view.

Second, communication and alignment with your partner is essential. Together, peel away what society expects of you, and discuss what you want out of your own lives as individuals, as a team, and as a family.

Remember that gender norms bring their own set of pressures to bear on men's well-being and self-esteem. From ages 25 to 29, about 90 per cent of men participate in the workforce; from ages 30 to 34 - the 'marrying years' - that soars to a remarkable 97 per cent.

By implication, there's a sizeable segment of men who would rather not be working this hard, or indeed at all, if not for marriage and parenthood.

Be open to hearing out if your spouse is one of them, and would rather spend more time at home, shouldering more domestic work while you focus on your career. Resist the assumption that a man should be the main financial provider, simply because he is male.

If on the other hand, your spouse's career matters deeply to him, that doesn't mean yours is less important - regardless who earns more.

It's impossible to split all duties perfectly down the middle, but it helps to articulate what each person can be responsible for. While I was breastfeeding and recovering from my caesarian surgery, for example, my husband changed all the diapers. We rotate other duties, like doctors' visits.

It's important that both parties arrive at a balance they think is fair.

Third and most importantly, let no one define for you what a 'good mother' looks like. There is no single way to be a mum, beyond a certain common base of love and care for our children.

Remember, our daughters look to us as a benchmark for what is possible in their lives. And we want them to know they have choices.

If you have done your sums and decide you'd be happier spending more time at home than in the workplace, then you should do so without anyone making you feel lesser-than. Equally, we must be able to devote time and focus to our careers and personal well-being, without being shamed as negligent mothers.

Either way, treat narratives of maternal 'sacrifice' with caution. It is heartwarming to be recognised for the sacrifices we make for our families and children. But sacrifices are never, and should never be only for women to make. And what we give in life, we give ultimately because we are richer for it.

On this International Women's Day and any day, we are more than the sum of our sacrifices. We are also made up of our dreams and gain.

READ MORE

• Are baby steps towards gender equality enough to support working mothers?
• The compromises to be made when you go on long leave