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🤫 Keep it to yourself, please

An ex-colleague of mine had written about how his closest friendship formed in adulthood was with an older co-worker who shared a similar sense of humour and interest in music. That tight bond was sadly severed when, in the midst of a bad breakup, he unloaded his emotions onto his co-worker, to the point where his co-worker had enough and told him to stop oversharing. Ouch.

Many working adults spend more time with their colleagues than they do with their personal friends, so it’s only natural that they develop a sense of comfort in being with their co-workers. We often hear people saying to bring your true self to work. It’s important, after all, to build trust and rapport with your colleagues so that you can perform better at work.

But when does sharing personal information about yourself veer into oversharing at work? 

Angela Kuek, director of recruitment firm The Meyer Consulting Group, believes it’s important to consider the relevance of what you’re sharing to the task at hand. 

Nobody wants to hear yet another story about your on-again, off-again partner especially when the team’s deadline is approaching.

But a medical emergency at home may elicit understanding and sympathy from your colleagues and supervisor, especially if it affects your work performance in the short term. 

While there’s no hard-and-fast rule about what constitutes oversharing, there are some topics that experts generally suggest exercising some discretion over:

• Politics, sexuality and religion: These are deeply personal topics that can be divisive when discussed in the workplace. If these topics do crop up, do be sensitive and respectful, whether you are the one sharing or the one listening in. Think twice before you give your hot take. 

• Personal finances: Managed to snag that rare Rolex Submariner last weekend for only S$20,000? Not everyone might be quite as fortunate to be dropping large sums on luxury items.

• Office gossip: Not only can gossip be hurtful and damaging to a person, constantly spreading rumours about your colleagues is 🚩 never a good look.

• Anything NSFW: There’s a reason why it’s literally called Not Safe For Work. Keep it PG in the office, please.

“How much to share, when to share, and how you share it will be key,” says Kuek. 

Whether you want to share something also depends on your own comfort level and how close you are to your colleagues. Be selective about what you share because after all, you can always share more but you can’t take back whatever’s been said. 

What happens if you’re caught at the receiving end of a colleague’s oversharing problem instead?

“It doesn’t bode well for your own mental well-being if this colleague is emotionally needy and drains you of energy,” says Kuek. “You can’t be responsible for someone else’s emotions and life choices. You can only take care of your own.”

• Set some boundaries. Consider letting him or her know that you’re uncomfortable discussing certain topics.

• Try hinting that you’re not interested by changing the topic or saying you need to focus on your work.

• Perhaps gradually decline to spend time with him or her, Kuek suggests. If it happens outside the office, you can cite non-work commitments such as heading to the gym or an appointment with your friends.

🤖 You’re telling me I should be a robot?

On the flipside, you may be finding yourself putting on a strictly professional front 🧑‍💼 at the workplace that’s totally different from the more authentic self that you present when you’re around friends. 

It’s understandable, Kuek says, to want to put up walls as a defence mechanism, since unlike your friends, you don’t get to choose your colleagues. But nobody is expecting you to act like a robot and deprive yourself of anything that shows your personality.

If you see work interactions as purely transactional, you’re probably missing out on an opportunity to form deeper connections. This can only happen when you show your true self, she adds.

For a start, sharing about your interests and hobbies are usually an easy way for your colleagues to learn about what you like to do outside the office, and can be a good way to form connections or ✨ spark further conversations.

Confining yourself to only having work-related conversations is likely to take a toll on your well-being and job satisfaction. It may also leave you feeling isolated when you see your peers forming circles or meeting outside of work without you. 

Picture spending seven to eight hours a day only ever talking to your colleagues about that e-mail that needs to be sent, or that presentation that needs to be tweaked. Won’t that be kind of dull?